Dan Bilzerian’s Man Child Cave

Who the hell is Dan Bilzerian? Well, he could probably be best described as the Fyre Festival of humans. The once ‘king of Instagram’ was outed as a fraud last year. Rather than ‘winning his millions in underground poker tournaments’. It is probably mostly from his trust fund. It’s as if an algorithm has designed a human using Joe Rogan, Doge Coin, Instagram and The Wolf of Wall Street as inputs. What came out of that algorithm? A shallow, sex obsessed con-man, a pseudo-businessman who used his fathers money to hyperinflate his perceived wealth for social media – aiming to profit from the undeserved hype. He is, admittedly, in pretty good shape though (due to steroids, obviously).

After being exposed by the media and every fitness and lifestyle YouTuber in existence in 2020 for all of his bullshit (including constantly lying about why he failed the Marines basic training), Dan Bilzerian is back in a hilarious interview with Graham Bensinger’s In Depth series, although you might find more depth in a puddle on Tottenham Court Road. If you think we are being harsh on Dan, well watch the clip below. We thought we’d cover the interview as it pertains to our niche of cool male living spaces. For all of Bilzerian’s bullshit – he does have a ridiculous man cave (man child cave?) house. However, as we watched the video, we though it would be much funnier to just critique the man himself…

The first room they enter, the ‘master sweet’ appears to be a classy and antique-looking room. On closer inspection, the antiques are actually ‘dab rigs’ which is presumably what Joe Rogan fans call bongs, which is what they are; garish porcelain atrocities all arranged carefully on a display table – reminiscent of the display cabinet at your grandma’s house.

A bewildered gaggle of women are found watching a movie in a guest bedroom.

Moving to the next room Bilzerian shows a rare flicker of self-awareness as he jokes that his closet is preposterously large for a man that wears the same white t-shirt and shorts everyday. ‘I’m a cat man’ Dan exclaims. A dog is a lot of work’ Dan muses. In another video – in the same interview series with Graham Bensinger – Bilzerian also ponders that he might ‘try fatherhood’. Our advice? Stick to cats, Dan, children are a lot of work.

Graham: ‘you’ve always been a cat guy? … Dan Bilzerian: ‘I do’

It’s no wonder Bilzerian is a cat guy. His father, constantly being investigated by the FBI for fraud, was claimed to have hid family money in the family cat’s name.

Bilzerian walks up to a table and stops. Upon the table are various tests for sexually transmitted diseases including, chlamydia, syphilis and HIV. Personally, when I have a visitor I hide my stash of HIV tests. Dan reveals that the tests are actually for his personal ‘bloodwork’ testing – because he takes HGH and Testosterone supplements. Right… The pair enter a new guest room with another women in it who calls Bilzerian ‘quiet’, when Graham asks if he is fun to party with. Bilzerian seems emotionally hurt by this comment, that’s not what she was paid to do. Never work with amateurs.

Later on in his garden Graham asks why he has tortoises wandering around and replies ‘they were actually a gift, but I mean, I don’t know man, I just really love tortoises’. Riveting. As the interview continues you get the impression that this man has absolutely nothing interesting to say about anything.

His paintball arena is pretty cool. Bilzerian describes how he prefers to play paintball shirtless ‘it’s an ego thing, man’. It’s easy to forgive 20 something YouTubers for this kind of statement. Bilzerian is 40 years old.

Next we visit Bilzerian’s activity centre where he has a batting cage. ‘I would have played college ball if I didn’t go in the military’ Bilzerian boldly says. Of course by ‘going into the military’ he meant failing basic training twice and therefore never being ‘in’ the military. This statement gives Bilzerian away. He knows that he was exposed last year by the mainstream media, yet when anybody, in this case Graham Bensinger, gives him attention and humours him – he reverts back to the the bullshit bravado and lies that got him exposed in the first place. It’s sad and interesting to see. Like Jay from The Inbetweeners who’s pathological lies can not be separated from his personality.

Lastly, we see Bilzerian’s ‘crash pad’ where the idea is to simply jump off the end backwards. Bilzerian raucously laughs as he recounts the story of a woman breaking her leg on the crash mat. It’s a fitting analogy to end the video. Bilzerian falling to the ground, only to be saved by an expensive crash mat…