Before modern civilisation and disposable income, we were all happy just living somewhere where a sabre tooth tiger won’t bite our bollocks off, or a warm place to cook your disgusting rabbit stew in a Dutch oven before some Camanche Indians came and burnt your log house down. Now, however, a home is not just a place to exist in, but one to express our self within. Sadly, millennial one-upmanship, generation X retro-hipsterdom, baby boomer excess and now I guess Zoomer tiktok aesthetes, have – in places – hyper compressed modern home decor trends into ridiculous unliveable memes. Just add more plants, bro.
Just add more plants, Bro
It is a cool male living space trope, that when asking for advice, a young may shall hear the hallowed words ‘add more plants’. A garden centre worker in England has transformed his one-bedroom house into a jungle. Joe Bagley, 20, from middle England, has spent $4,300 on 1,400 houseplants; detailed in the Daily Mail.
And if you are thinking, well at least his apartment will be nice and oxygenated, well you better trust the science, bitch, from our article on if plants purify air significantly, some fancy pants scientist, with fancy pants science claimed:
”To reduce VOCs enough to impact air quality would require around 10 plants per square foot. In a small 500-square foot apartment, that’s 5,000 plants, a veritable forest.”
Another plant hipster detroooooyed by science. This website is quickly becoming the Ben Shapiro of… people who like plants?
His dog’s expression is definitely alluding to the multiple times he pisses on all the plants.
Verdict: Generation Z TikTok Aesthete
Stairway To Heaven
You know those 70s sci-fi movies where there was no CGI and they are trying to make something look ‘future-y’, so they just made everything white. Turns out they weren’t far off…
Okay so, white floor, white wall, white ceiling, see-through stairs. We don’t know where this is, but in the UK there is a law that banisters must be installed on at least of side of a staircase. Perhaps that should be extended to also having visible stairs.
The life expectancy of people who live in this house is approximately 45 minutes after a can of Four Loko. At least it’s nice and bright though. But seriously, put some art on your walls, or plants or … something!
Verdict: Boomer Excess
Pagoni Zonda Wall Divider
The car is a 2017 Pagani Zonda Aether, one of only 15 ever made and bought for 1.5 million dollars. The cars value will only grow, so this could just be a bizarre investment storage scheme; rather than a, somehow offensive, display of nouveaux riche.
In the article it claims, and I quote: ‘The placement gives the illusion that the vehicle is floating’. Indeed, save from the very substantial 2 foot wide black stainless steel panel attached to the roof and floor.
It’s possible that they went a little too far with this one. Perhaps some kind of bookcase divider would be less gaudy.
Verdict: Generation X Hipster
Dan Bilzerian’s Everything
As we stated in this article, Dan Bilzerian is the insanely rich trust fund baby of a for legal reasons potentially corrupt banker. At his batting cage he muses: ‘I probably would have been a baseballer if I didn’t go into the military’ Dan states in his interview and house tour – for background, he failed military training for the marines – Not exactly an illustrious military career. His house also includes a bong display room, a kitchen full of HIV and Chlamydia test kits, rooms full of hired prostitutes and a paintball arena in his garden.
Verdict: Trust fund manbaby
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Amusingly, while doing research for this article some of the items recommended included a sleep mask and ear plugs for college; trust me, nothing is waking you up after a tanker load of Four Loko. You want your college dorm to express you, whilst remaining budget; no need to spend loads of money on stuff […]